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Dr. Ali Binazir, Happiness Engineer. Dear Dr Ali – There’s a guy I like who’s in my social circle.
He’s my friend’s boyfriend’s best friend, so we spend a lot of time around each other. He’s always attentive to me, and has even given me shoulder rubs a few times – something I have not seen him do for other women. We’ve even spent one- on- one time together lying down on a blanket watching stars. But he has yet to make a move. Why hasn’t he kissed me yet?
Does he even like me? What should I do? Should I even bother? Perplexed in Paris. Well there’s a perennial question if there ever was one. How do you know if a guy likes you?
I mean, yeah, he does like you, as in he clearly wouldn’t let you get run over by a bus. But does he like like you? As in smooches and snuggles?
That shouldn’t be hard to figure out. But additional challenges present themselves when you see a guy frequently as part of your social circle, whether at work or in a group of friends. How do you broach the subject of “Do you like me?” when the negative response means having to hang out with someone who snubbed you? Or, even worse, what if you hook up and it doesn’t work out? Now you have willingly planted an ex in the midst of formerly friendly territory.
Surely there is a way to finesse this tricky social situation. The best way is to take me along to a party to hang out with both of you. And by turning on the super- sensitive Dr Ali- dar and observing your interactions, I will give you a read of the situation.
But, alas, the best way is often not the most practical way, and I’m usually far away (greetings from Barcelona and Lisbon!) and would probably end up eating all your hors d’oeuvres (unless they’re supermarket crudité platters – who likes that stuff?). So I don’t get to observe whether he looks directly into your eyes and how often, how often and where he touches you, how he talks to you, how he reacts to the other women around you, and a zillion other things. All I get to see is your world through this tiny keyhole of an email.
From that I must deduce your character, the nature and intensity of his interest, and your suitability as a match. Piece o’ cake! What might be wiser, however, is to give you some general principles for spotting interest from another party, so you can apply those to your own situation and figure out what’s going on. Learning Spanish Abroad Adults. Active vs passive interest.
When trying to gauge interest, this is the overarching theme. Is he actively pursuing your company, or just settling for casual bump- ins and group events? The more deliberate effort a man puts into spending time with you, the more interested he is. Doing something that risks rejection, such as asking you out on a date, raises the stakes and is an even stronger sign of romantic interest. Now I heartily recommend that folks initially get to know people through group events. They’re far less threatening settings than one- on- one dates which are contrived situations that fail to bring out the best in us (unless your best happens to be anxiety, self- consciousness and phoniness).
But if a guy only invites you to group things, he’s either not that interested, or too much of a wuss to step up and ask for your company solo. Either way, that’s not someone you should be signing up for. How is he looking at you? A few years ago I was sitting at this deathly boring talk at a conference in Los Angeles when I spotted this dazzlingly beautiful woman across the room. Before the talk was over, I must have involuntarily turned to look at her 5. Why? Because we tend to seek out more information about things we’re interested in.
That’s kinda the definition of interest. And lord knows I made a beeline to talk to her afterwards. The quality and quantity of a guy’s gaze says a lot about the degree and nature of his interest.
Does he keep looking at you even when you’re not looking at him? Interested. Does he look at your face when he’s talking to you? Interested. Straight into your eyes, seriously trying to plumb its depths of mystery and passion? Seriously interested. The pro- level tip here is that you want to arrange the environment such that you’re a) getting useful information and b) letting him be at his best. For example, if you’re with him on a date at a topless beach, chances are his eyes will not be glued to you the whole time no matter how interested he is.
Same goes for sitting in a restaurant: if he’s facing the crowd and bustle of the outside world, his eyes will wander, and you’ll get inaccurate data. Do yourself a favor and you take the banquette seat so he’s looking at just you and the wall. Touch. Most Western societies are pretty touch- free, so if a guy touches you, that’s a big deal and a sign of major interest. Or is it? Touching behavior varies culturally, which changes the salience of the act. A classic study done by Sidney Jourard showed that during an hourlong conversation between friends, in England they touched each other zero times. In the US, twice, during bursts of enthusiasm.