How the Teachings of Emotional Purity and Courtship Damage Healthy Relationships. There are many times that I don’t realize just how much strange teaching I’ve had to undo in my life.
- Controversial dating manual The Rules is back with new game-playing guidelines for the digital age. and is set to enrage feminists everywhere all over again.
- Interesting, at our congregations it was the opposite. Women were presented as lazy, sex-starved nobodies who were all desperate for men so they could stop working.
- The 3 Levels of Sexual Abstinence November 20th, 2009 by Mike. Note: Check out the complete Pyramid of Personal Sexual Philosophies. Level 1: No Dating (till marriage).
Submission Guidelines. Writers with disabilities may submit up to three selections per issue. Deadlines are February 15 for the Spring/Summer issue, and August 15 for. Also this post is assuming that by wife, I really mean a one and done marriage option to a young woman with intent for kids together and lasting for 50+ years hand in.
I usually don’t realize it until times when I try to explain them to someone else. This happened to me the other night.
A dear friend and I were talking about our kids and how to help them transition from children to adults. The topic of dating and relationships came up and we started talking about my story. Sometimes it’s actually comforting to me to be met with blank or incredulous stares from people I consider “normal,” good Christians. The Normal Heart Rate For Adults. It somehow validates my belief that some of the teachings I grew up with were very wrong.
Lately, I’ve also started facing the ways in which the teachings of “emotional purity,” (a la Josh Harris, the Ludys, and others) have damaged the part of my brain that makes healthy relationships function. I define “emotional purity” in the same way that popular homeschool writers have: it is the idea of “guarding your heart.” This sounds all noble and righteous and everything but in this context is really just a facade for fear. Fear of loving and losing. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of being damaged. Fear of not measuring up.
In my life it meant never having a crush on a guy, never allowing myself to “fall in love.” Basically, training myself to shut down a normal, healthy, functioning part of my human heart. I’m 2. 7 years old, and I’ve been married for almost 7 years. I rejected the teachings of courtship and emotional purity when I was 1. But their effects have yet to leave. Novel Ideas For Young Adults.
In fact, I have identified several ways that these teachings can damage a person’s heart. They cause shame.
Shame because sometimes you can’t help but like one guy a little more than another. Shame because that’s “sinful” and “emotionally impure.” Shame because it sets a standard and proclaims that you are somehow shameful if you cannot keep it. You are considered damaged goods if you have fallen in love and had your heart broken. It was Josh Harris in I Kissed Dating Goodbye and the Ludy’s in several of their books that popularized the idea that everytime you fall in love or get “emotionally attached” to someone, you give away a piece of your heart. The more pieces you give away, the less of your heart you have to give to your spouse someday.
Harris even went so far as to say that each of those former flames actually have some sort of hold on you. This has got to be the most bogus and the most damaging teaching of this entire movement. Love doesn’t work that way. The more you give, the more you have. My third child doesn’t have less of my heart just because I’ve loved two other children before him. And, really, I haven’t given them “pieces” of my heart. I’ve given them each all of my heart. The miracle of love is that it multiplies by being given.
Each person I love has a “piece of my heart”. It is ridiculous to suggest that there is not enough of my heart to go around. And what view of redemption does this teaching proclaim? Not one that I want anything to do with. It is an incompetent redemption. They cause pride.
Pride because suddenly you are better than everyone else. Because you have never had a crush on a guy. You have kept your heart for your spouse. You didn’t say “I love you” til your wedding day. Pride in human accomplishment. Pride because you are so much more spiritual than that poor girl over there who is crying because her boyfriend broke up with her.
Because your heart is whole and she just gave a piece of hers to a guy she isn’t married to. Pride because you did it right, she did not. Gay Male Dating San Francisco California. You have more to give your future husband than she does. She is damaged goods, you are the real prize. This is exactly what happened to the Pharisees. They made up laws that God never condoned, then patted themselves on the back for keeping them, while looking down on those who didn’t.
This has nothing to do with the righteousness and grace of God, and everything to do with the accomplishments of man. I remember watching a video in which one of the biggest names in the courtship movement bragged with obvious arrogance that he didn’t tell his wife he loved her until their wedding. And I thought, “How twisted can we get? We took something as simple as saying ‘I love you,’ built a straw man rule around it (‘saying I love you is defrauding’), then hung it like a trophy on our walls.” Job well done, folks. They create skewed views of relationships which lead to dysfunction. This is where I still struggle.
Where others see nothing wrong, I am suspicious of every look, every situation, every witty exchange. I am still uncomfortable hugging one of my best friends who is a guy because we were taught never to hug or have physical contact, even innocent, with a guy. Voices in my head scream “defrauder!” just because I gave a friend a quick hug. I feel ill at ease sometimes even talking to other men. Oh, they never notice.